5/31/26

I really am a very tortured person. I have these horrible thoughts that won't go away, sick thoughts that disturb and repulse me. I am trying hard not to feed into them, but it's incredibly difficult and painful to do so. I just want reassurance so badly. I want to feel safe, and I don't. What would make me feel safe, anyway? Nothing is ever enough. The truth could come up and slap me in the face and it wouldn't matter. Even the answers I want, I don't believe. I can feel old tracks boring deeper into my mind, things morphing and gaining power over me again. This disorder is very opportunistic. It takes any chance it can to weasle it's way back in and hijack the mind. When one obsession dies, another takes it's place. I have no peace. What kind of a life is that?

5/27/26

I feel so heartbroken today. Disturbed. I want to do something, but it's too late. Much too late. I did try... but not hard enough. And now this is what I am left with. Maybe it's what I deserve.